“If the child is less than a year, then he does not understand what parents do in bed”. “If he is not four years old, then he will think that this is a game”. “After three years, it’s not worth it, it can tell someone what mom and dad are doing”-how many people, so many opinions about sex with children. What are the experts about this?
The question of whether it is
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possible to have sex with children is quite popular in women’s forums. Mothers, as a rule, are embarrassed that the child will begin to ask questions or talk about what he saw outside. In such cases, infants are not taken into account.
Some worry about their own sensations and draw parallels with what they feel when a cat looks at them in the process. And much less often people think about how parental sex will affect the children’s psyche.
The point is within the borders
It is important to understand that, arguing about the ignorance of the child and the harmlessness of the moans and sighs he heard, we think about the children’s psyche too superficial.
Not only are we adults and cannot appreciate how a small child perceives the world around. We also forget about its personal boundaries, but they have been formed from 3-4 months. Most often, such neglect occurs due to the fact that parents do not have enough knowledge about the sphere of psychosexual development of children.
In addition, dads and mothers are little aware of their own boundaries and do not know how to protect them and therefore violate the boundaries of the child. For example, having sex with him.
“When we secretly invite the child to take part in our intimate life – this is violence against him,” says psychologist Eva Egorova. – He hears moans, sees movements. “. We do not ask for his permission and, as it were, make it an accomplice of the process, even if the child does not understand what exactly is happening.
To what age can you have sex with a child?
It is better to proceed from the position that sex is a matter of adults that does not concern children.
If possible, make love in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in any other room. If there is no possibility, for example, you live with your parents or in the next room all the time someone is located-you need to fenced off the personal space of the child. This can be done even with the help of screen and partitions. In any case, any “admissibility” is discussed only in cases where the child sleeps.
“This is possible up to two years maximum, and better-up to a year-half. But not when the child is in the parental bed, the psychologist emphasizes. – From 3.5 years old, the child is already beginning to form an attitude to the floors, the first sensation of his sexuality. At this age, you should definitely not have sex with him so that this does not harm his development “.
When parents decide to make love with a child – even if he is only a year and he sleeps, they take on a great responsibility.
Firstly, they may not restrain themselves and the child will still hear sounds that are not intended for his ears. Secondly, parents can miss the moment when the baby already begins to understand something. These are risks that can lead to serious consequences.
How the intimate life of parents can affect the psyche of the child?
Parental sex can really cause psychological trauma to the child – the degree of harm depends on the context and how he explained what happened to himself, with the help of his parents or without.
If the child decides that something bad has happened, it can provoke a psychological stress, which over time can manifest itself through night fears, enuresis, high anxiety, food debt, depression or low self -esteem.
“Sex with a child can also contribute to his early sexualization,” Eva Egorova emphasizes. “After all, parents are considered for children role models by which they learn how to behave and identify”.
So, children begin to “demonstrate” their sexuality through cosmetics, outfits, accents on the body, too early and often raise the topic of sex, have increased interest in children of the opposite sex, imitate the sounds and actions of a sexual nature ..
The list of consequences for the children’s psyche is very wide. Therefore, it is worth considering once again whether you can observe the boundaries of your child and provide him with safe and timely growing up if you follow your desires.
What to do if the child found parents for sex
You can’t pretend that nothing happened – you do not know how long the child has seen everything and heard how much he was embarrassed, scared or surprised. He can draw conclusions on his own and decide that someone is painful for someone or that parents are engaged in something wrong.
This situation should be a training moment: depending on the age of the child, decide what you want to convey to him, and consider your speech and answers to his questions. We can say that you concerned each other to show your love – so the child will understand that adults can express love through physical touches.
If he saw you without clothes – “Sometimes mom and dad are more pleasant to lie without her, but only adults who love each other do this”. Through this answer, the understanding will be fixed that this is only adult behavior 1 . At this moment, it is necessary to explain to the child that you are not angry with him and that his guilt is definitely not.
If you retired in your room while the child was sleeping in the nursery, but then he woke up and came to you, you need to tell about personal boundaries. He should get used to the fact that you need to knock on the closed door of the dad’s bedroom and mom before entering – but no one should enter without a knock either without knocking.